Back in October of 2020, my Facebook page was shut down for no reason. I know, I know, I am STILL talking about that? That was a lot of work and while I can see the blessing in disguise, I lost so much more than a page. I had to start all over again ... mostly from scratch. It was and has been exhausting. I remember thinking to myself, "Do I even have the energy to do this all over again?" "Do I even WANT to?" I took a very long break. I was gone from October until March of 2021. Truth be told, it was glorious. I felt more connected. There was zero drama. I was able to focus on my own growth and there was zero distraction.
I was already heading towards a spiritual hiatus anyway. I had just gone through a horrific experience in a spiritual group of women that left me raw and licking my wounds for many months. That happened in September. How fitting was it that a month later, everything related to that business vanished in a blink of an eye.
This group I belonged to was only one of many on my spiritual journey where I had been burned badly. Unfortunately, my story is not unique at all. So many of us have been burned. So many of us have been judged. So many of us have been the targets of rumors, gossip, misunderstandings, shady business deals, and so much more. I am not unique. What I am realizing is that ALL OF THAT has left me emotionally and energetically exhausted. It has been 10 years of everything mentioned above. There are times I feel I have nothing left to give.
Now I find myself evaluating my own ego quite a bit and how much it has played a role in everything that has happened over the years and even up to just a few weeks ago. I look at old posts and cringe. I think about things I've said and interactions I had and I feel so many things, and most of them are not positive. One thing I can say, is that I have learned to figure out my own worth, not through support, but lack of support. One of my favorite lyrics is Christina Aguilera's, "Thanks for making me a fighter." I will say I have had many women support me along the way, but those people were few and far between and I cherish them for the diamonds in the rough that they are. So it's not as if I don't see how lucky I am for the positive experiences I've had.
But looking at myself and how I've contributed to unhealthy dynamics, it makes me squirm in discomfort, to the point that I find myself wanting to retreat. Why? Because I don't want to say one more thing that I will regret months later ... or even a week later. I am proud of myself for looking this deep. For facing my own ego ... and for seeing my unhealthy behaviors. I also realize I am only human and I am not perfect.
But that's just it. I have found that the spiritual community, in general, can be very fickle. We expect perfection from community members, all the while, telling them that perfection is impossible and that imperfection is beautiful. So which is it? We are constantly trying to eradicate the ego, when the ego can absolutely protect us from harm and helps protect us from people that do not have the best intentions ... and believe me, I have met a lot of devious trickster energy is some of these circles. I think men experience a completely different dynamic.
I blame a lot of what happened to me over the past decade on my own lack of boundaries. I trusted people too much. I did not listen to my own intuition. I kept quiet in order to keep the peace when I should have ABSOLUTELY spoke up and despite what some say, defending yourself is sometimes necessary and a part of your own healing. There was so much "spiritual advice" that I followed that absolutely created this small, almost religious PTSD-like syndrome I am now trying to heal. Spiritual trauma. I think that is a real thing.
In the past ten years, I've been told I am negative over and over and over again. I've been told that I am a wounded healer (and not in a good way), ungrounded, too "high in the sky," not good enough or "balanced" enough to represent a business to teach there or even be associated with (but they would take my money if I wanted to rent out a space) as long as my name was not related to theirs. How condescending. I've been told I am overemotional, dark, teaching incorrectly, not being "of the light" because I do a lot of shadow work, too attached to my job (that feeds me and my family), that I don't move or heal "fast enough," or that I am "all over the place" and to not go to me for services because of that. I have had people ASK ME for advice and then tell others that I did not hold space for them and gave them advice instead of listening. I KNOW I am a great space-holder, but when you ask, I will deliver. I have had my name drug through the mud more times that I can count, all of it false, and all from people who were either jealous of me for some strange reason ... or usually, I triggered the shadow side in them (which I tend to do) and the only way they knew how to respond is through anger and lashing back at the person that made them look at their own mirror. I have had people reach out to me constantly to say that I should never talk about our address my fibro/chronic fatigue because no one wants to go to a healer that also has health issues. No one also wants to go to a healer with weight issues. Yeah, they went there too. I would be sent e-mails on how to fix myself, even though I never asked for such advice (and without them knowing I already tried EVERYTHING). My favorite is when I would be told that I created this disease with my own thoughts, and although that may be true, at the time, I did not understand how thoughts create disease. These people did not know that I was processing incredible amounts of trauma from birth, through college. I had to wonder if people treat cancer patients the way they treat people with invisible diseases. Do they tell them, "You created this?"
I do not wish to create a "woe is me" narrative or to become a victim. What I finally realized last year is that all of this was an incredible overreach of boundaries and I had every right to have an ever-growing amount of divine rage that was growing inside of me. As I grew, I learned to put up the walls. I had to. I had to protect myself. I had zero boundaries at the time and that was becoming a huge problem for me. But I am learning to let the right people in. I have really good people in my life now. I know better now. But ... I am exhausted.
I never had any interest in competing with others, but sometimes my ego would kick in and create that competition without me even realizing it. Sometimes my ego would judge back those that judged me. I realized I was giving people back exactly what they gave to me ... by accident. I thought I was doing so well with my projections and wounds. I wasn't. And now, here I am today, looking at my own ego with what seems to be the biggest magnifying glass ever and it is so incredibly uncomfortable. This is a whole new level of shadow work ... and my ego had me believing that I was diving deep all of these years. I was only skimming the surface.
I am also seeing how I need to heal aspects of myself that have been burned by spiritual trauma. All of the times I SHOULD have spoken up ... all of the times I SHOULD have defended myself. It's okay to defend yourself, especially if it will help you feel better and to bring you closure to a situation. When I started telling MY STORY, I found such incredible relief. I released all of those negative emotions I was holding onto FOR YEARS.
What I do know is ... I am done following "the rules" that other people make. I am moving forward with what is good for ME and my soul (and my body). I no longer support people that don't walk their talk. I refuse to support those that further perpetuate this kind of trauma within the community. That is just my personal ethics and morality coming forward. This means I must also walk my talk too. Because I don't want anyone following me if I am not doing the same. Also, the next time someone goes on a smear campaign with my name, I will know in my heart, that whatever is being said will not affect one single set of ears because people KNOW I am not a person who doesn't walk in integrity. There are so many people walking around who smear others and they are the ones who created the drama. It is what it is. I cannot control this dynamic. But I can control who I support and who I do not. Treat the people well and you have my vote.
I may not be everyone's cup of tea. I trigger people a lot by being very open, by expressing my emotions openly, by being vulnerable on my posts, for calling out bullshit that I see happening that needs to be transmuted, and for talking about things that most people want to turn a blind eye to. I think this is why people see me as "negative" or feel a need to rescue me, mother me, instruct me, or deconstruct me. My intentions have always been for the best -- to create awareness of the shadows. I know now it was important for me because I was experiencing them myself first-hand at such a rapid, deep, traumatizing rate. I did not want it happening to others. Those that really truly know me don't even question my purpose or intent. It's always for the light. It always has been.
So I will be finishing out my commitments for the next month, but you will see me pulling back for a little and taking another hiatus. If you find that I am not as responsive, please do not take it personally. It's time to decide what I want. It is time to heal. It is time to find that inner voice that is mine and mine alone.