I am beginning to think that they are one and the same. My mind immediately goes to the fool card in the tarot and I picture the naive and innocent fool stepping out onto the path for the first time. He unknowingly puts himself in danger while stepping off of a cliff, yet all with a carefree, mindless attitude. Sure, the fool can represent new beginnings, but he also represents blind faith and risk-taking, both of which can be beneficial as well as harmful.
I have come to what many call the "spiritual crossroads." Some call this part of the "hero's journey." It's normal to encounter many crossroads and questions along our paths. I have had a few small blips along the way of questioning what it is I am doing and whether it was actually of the divine. What I was not prepared for was "thee" big mamma jamma, which I am now calling my own personal "test of faith."
It began with a questioning of my practices and a feeling of a dark presence in my life. I am absolutely no stranger to shadow work. In fact, I was probably doing too much of it at one point. My favorite word is balance, but it was increasingly obvious that I had become off-kilter somewhere along the way. I am chalking it up to a year of uncontrollable stressful events in my life. I am convinced all of it was for a reason and that I will be stronger because of it ... but I also keep asking myself why these uncanny events keep happening to me over and over again. Contrary to what the New Age community believes, not everything in life is controllable. Not everything happens due to thoughts. The constant repetition of this belief and how toxic it can be to those who struggle is one of the reasons I am choosing to ditch the New Age altogether.
What prompted this even further was "accidentally" (wink wink) coming across a video on YouTube of a woman who switched from New Age to Christianity. For me, most of it was cringe-worthy. I do not resonate with Christianity at all other than the fact that I believe in God, the Son (Sun), and Holy Ghost. Isn't it sad they made the feminine aspect a ghost? Sigh ... I digress. HOWEVER, this woman made some good points and she was speaking of experiences that I have also had in the New Age that were not so pleasant. I have to say it -- she got me thinking. After several days of contemplating many things, I had said out loud, "God, if what I am doing is not of the light, please give me a sign." It was at that moment that the light bulb burst in the room that I was in. Ummmmm ... I can't ignore something like that.
So the natural progression began and I started watching ... wait for it ... Christian videos on YouTube. To those that know me, your jaw is probably on the floor. I don't want to say that I have hated Christianity in the past, but it wasn't exactly my favorite religion either. I have encountered many Christian zealots over my life that have just completely turned me off to even "going there" at all. They actually repelled me from their teachings. So it was no surprise that as I watched these videos, I cringed and rolled my eyes a lot. I saw a lot of fear. I recognized a lot of ancient teachings that were misconstrued or re-written for the liking of kings and people in high places. I am STILL in shock that most Christians actually believe that Jesus wrote the bible. Like, WHAT?!? Baffling.
I have called upon Jesus many times since my spiritual awakening and have yet to actually "meet" him or interact with him in my work. All of my other spiritual friends have been working with him on their path. Why was it so hard for me? Why can I not connect? Why can I connect to all of these other gods and goddesses so easily, yet Jesus seems to be a whole other story? Was it my own religious wounding blocking me from connecting to him? Or were these other entities easier to connect with because they aren't divine in nature at all? I'm still wrestling with this, to be honest.
To get back on track, my deep dive down the rabbit hole on YouTube continued. I started watching things I swore I would never watch: videos about demonic possession. Why? My entire life, I have had dreams that I was being possessed. I don't have nightmares often, but when I do, it is always about this topic. These dreams also ALWAYS occur when I am in a very low, negative place. My New Age path has taught me enough to know what is going on here. This also taught me that there is BOTH dark and light around us ALL THE TIME. When we get low enough, they are ready to pounce and because I am awake and can sense and see, it is a literal spiritual barometer for me. Nightmares are my wake-up call to get my s*!t together. Yet, this also tells me that I can call out for help at anytime too. Do we REALLY understand the concept of "As Above, So Below?" I don't think many actually do.
So I am watching these videos and am learning so much more about the dark and demonic energy than I ever wanted to learn. I never minded shadow work in the past. I've done ghost hunting, removed dark energies from bodies and homes, and even had experiences with dark forces at certain events. Yet the word "possession" was always taboo for me. I did not want to go there, most likely because my dreams scared the hell out of me. I've woken up paralyzed. I've woken up vibrating. I have been a natural astral traveler since I was born. I know what that feels like. This was NOT astral traveling. It was also in these videos and learning about demons and how to summon them that I noticed a lot of their symbols looked like "light language." I even recognized some that I have seen used in healing ceremonies. Yikes! Again, not putting down the practice of light language. I have gotten symbols from time to time as well. But, we must always ask ourselves what is of the light and what is of th