I am beginning to think that they are one and the same. My mind immediately goes to the fool card in the tarot and I picture the naive and innocent fool stepping out onto the path for the first time. He unknowingly puts himself in danger while stepping off of a cliff, yet all with a carefree, mindless attitude. Sure, the fool can represent new beginnings, but he also represents blind faith and risk-taking, both of which can be beneficial as well as harmful.
I have come to what many call the "spiritual crossroads." Some call this part of the "hero's journey." It's normal to encounter many crossroads and questions along our paths. I have had a few small blips along the way of questioning what it is I am doing and whether it was actually of the divine. What I was not prepared for was "thee" big mamma jamma, which I am now calling my own personal "test of faith."
It began with a questioning of my practices and a feeling of a dark presence in my life. I am absolutely no stranger to shadow work. In fact, I was probably doing too much of it at one point. My favorite word is balance, but it was increasingly obvious that I had become off-kilter somewhere along the way. I am chalking it up to a year of uncontrollable stressful events in my life. I am convinced all of it was for a reason and that I will be stronger because of it ... but I also keep asking myself why these uncanny events keep happening to me over and over again. Contrary to what the New Age community believes, not everything in life is controllable. Not everything happens due to thoughts. The constant repetition of this belief and how toxic it can be to those who struggle is one of the reasons I am choosing to ditch the New Age altogether.
What prompted this even further was "accidentally" (wink wink) coming across a video on YouTube of a woman who switched from New Age to Christianity. For me, most of it was cringe-worthy. I do not resonate with Christianity at all other than the fact that I believe in God, the Son (Sun), and Holy Ghost. Isn't it sad they made the feminine aspect a ghost? Sigh ... I digress. HOWEVER, this woman made some good points and she was speaking of experiences that I have also had in the New Age that were not so pleasant. I have to say it -- she got me thinking. After several days of contemplating many things, I had said out loud, "God, if what I am doing is not of the light, please give me a sign." It was at that moment that the light bulb burst in the room that I was in. Ummmmm ... I can't ignore something like that.
So the natural progression began and I started watching ... wait for it ... Christian videos on YouTube. To those that know me, your jaw is probably on the floor. I don't want to say that I have hated Christianity in the past, but it wasn't exactly my favorite religion either. I have encountered many Christian zealots over my life that have just completely turned me off to even "going there" at all. They actually repelled me from their teachings. So it was no surprise that as I watched these videos, I cringed and rolled my eyes a lot. I saw a lot of fear. I recognized a lot of ancient teachings that were misconstrued or re-written for the liking of kings and people in high places. I am STILL in shock that most Christians actually believe that Jesus wrote the bible. Like, WHAT?!? Baffling.
I have called upon Jesus many times since my spiritual awakening and have yet to actually "meet" him or interact with him in my work. All of my other spiritual friends have been working with him on their path. Why was it so hard for me? Why can I not connect? Why can I connect to all of these other gods and goddesses so easily, yet Jesus seems to be a whole other story? Was it my own religious wounding blocking me from connecting to him? Or were these other entities easier to connect with because they aren't divine in nature at all? I'm still wrestling with this, to be honest.
To get back on track, my deep dive down the rabbit hole on YouTube continued. I started watching things I swore I would never watch: videos about demonic possession. Why? My entire life, I have had dreams that I was being possessed. I don't have nightmares often, but when I do, it is always about this topic. These dreams also ALWAYS occur when I am in a very low, negative place. My New Age path has taught me enough to know what is going on here. This also taught me that there is BOTH dark and light around us ALL THE TIME. When we get low enough, they are ready to pounce and because I am awake and can sense and see, it is a literal spiritual barometer for me. Nightmares are my wake-up call to get my s*!t together. Yet, this also tells me that I can call out for help at anytime too. Do we REALLY understand the concept of "As Above, So Below?" I don't think many actually do.
So I am watching these videos and am learning so much more about the dark and demonic energy than I ever wanted to learn. I never minded shadow work in the past. I've done ghost hunting, removed dark energies from bodies and homes, and even had experiences with dark forces at certain events. Yet the word "possession" was always taboo for me. I did not want to go there, most likely because my dreams scared the hell out of me. I've woken up paralyzed. I've woken up vibrating. I have been a natural astral traveler since I was born. I know what that feels like. This was NOT astral traveling. It was also in these videos and learning about demons and how to summon them that I noticed a lot of their symbols looked like "light language." I even recognized some that I have seen used in healing ceremonies. Yikes! Again, not putting down the practice of light language. I have gotten symbols from time to time as well. But, we must always ask ourselves what is of the light and what is of the dark? I think everything can be both. But this is where we must also be careful of KNOWING that what we are working with is not through deception.
The other thing I find uncanny about this deep dive is that Christians are more likely to believe in demonic forces over New Age believers. Yet the New Age, in general, is usually more open to "shadow work" and understanding that there is light and dark in everything. When I mention to a New Age friend that I am diving deep into demonic possession, I am usually met with "there are no dark energies that can harm you unless you allow them to." Hmmm ... if there are angels, there are most certainly demons ... and trust me, again, I don't think they really care about our free will. Especially if we are unknowingly, yet willingly, inviting them in through practices we may consider innocent. However, the more I dive, the more I come to the same conclusion: sometimes shit just happens and you can "love and light" it all you want, the circumstance remains the same. The other conclusion I am coming to is that the ultimate goal in attaining spiritual freedom is very simple: just embody love and be a good person.
Why am I here, being called to confront this now? And why are these videos no longer making me afraid? It was then that I got the message, "If you are going to be serious about your spiritual work, then you must know your enemies even better than you know your allies." I have yet to determine WHO or WHERE that came from. This same voice told me that, "There is always dark and light, but God is waiting for you to make the right choices to ascend to your true divinity."
You see, I am starting to see and learn that true spiritual work doesn't come with all of the bells and whistles I was putting on it. This is about me and the divine - that's it. Everything else is just a distraction. Yet it is the "everything else" that has me questioning if it is truly of the light or if it is dark. My New Age beliefs tell me that it is all about intention and my perception. If I believe something to be dark, it will be dark. If I believe it to be light, it will be of the light. But isn't this naive? For those who dare to learn the true nature of divinity, we must learn ALL aspects of it. Those who choose to only dabble in the light will never face this conundrum because they are only facing one side of God. I say this is naive because the darkness does not care if it tricks us. God help me, I love my oracle cards, crystals and connecting with the stars. But do I really need that stuff? Again, another uncomfortable truth I need to possibly face ...
How do we know what we are doing is not of the dark? It scares me a little bit that I am starting to sound like a programmed and fearful Christian. I certainly don't want to become riddled with fear and I am aware that I am currently transversing that line and I am shocked myself. I have refused to touch Quijja boards in the past because I have seen the portals that they open through the house blessings I have done. Yet why are oracle cards any different? Or pendulums? They aren't different. "It's all about intention and the words you use to open the session," I used to say. "As long as you say that only beings of love and light can come through, you will be just fine." "Whatever you say, they have to follow. They have to follow your free will and that is Divine Law." I have said ALL OF THIS many times. Again, is this naive? The darkness couldn't give two iotas of your free will from what I have seen time and time again.
This is coming up with my mediumship as well. My immediate response is, "Well, if mediumship was so evil, then why do I always get such positive messages from the other side? How can it be evil if what I am doing is helping others heal tremendous amounts of grief in one sitting? I know that we go on after we "cross over." This one was tough for me. Yet is it this trickery that leads up to believe we are doing good? Perhaps this is not about how I am helping others at all, but more about what I am opening my own body and soul up to and what I am inviting in. One medium mentioned how she was helping hundreds of people, yet being eaten alive energetically by the spirits she was calling in each day. Interesting. Yet another thing to contemplate. As you can imagine, at this point, my cognitive dissonance is in OVERDRIVE, yet I also can't ignore it.
This is all leading me to currently processing and understanding where I can be deceiving myself from light versus dark. At the end of this, who knows, I may go back to doing everything I've been doing all along. This is merely a QUESTIONING process. Tarot, meditation, crystals, skulls, my beloved star beings, reiki, attunements, mediumship, sigils/symbols, channeling, ceremonies - it's all on the table for evaluation. That in and of itself has been interesting because a lot of what the church condemns, they themselves do. I have to laugh. The church has altars. The church uses incense. The church is basically doing "witchcraft" through ceremony and ritual when they do communion, whether they realize it or not. I could go on and on. I am well aware that the church uses fear to keep us from the truth and to keep us controlled. The comparison of the church and New Age will be a whole separate blog post.
So this is where I have been and this is only the tip of the iceberg. It's confusing to be here. I don't fit into any one category. Christianity only makes minimal sense to me. The New Age, if I am honest, has always made minimal sense to me as well. Both offer truth, but both offer a bunch of distraction that detracts us from our true divinity. Perhaps this crossroads is meant to be not only a test of faith but a chance for me to create my own path to knowing myself. I no longer want or need a label to express my faith or practice.