I had a kind of rough day today. I had a few interactions at the beginning of the day and an e-mail I received at lunch that left me feeling ... hmmm ... defeated. Then I saw this meme and I felt like it was a personal message I was supposed to receive.It it quite obvious now that I will never please everyone. I won't even be close. All I can do is be me and come from a place of love.
When I write this, I am not looking for pity. I never write to look for advice or ask for sympathy, which I think is why I feel so misunderstood sometimes. I write to share my experience and connect with others who may be going through the same thing. This is coming from a place of empowerment -- NOT disempowerment. I don't need to be saved. I'm not a damsel in distress. I never have been. I know that I write with a lot of emotion, but please don't think that I sit around the house crying all day or being upset with every little thing under the sun. That is so far from the truth. Unfortunately, I think because of the way I share my emotions, that may be the picture I painted for some of you. See them as moments in time, little blips of words and experiences that I need to get out or want to express. Expression is in my blood. So is writing. For me, they go hand in hand.
What I am doing now, is choosing to LET GO. I am letting go of the negative aspects of what others see in me (and feel the need to tell me about every day.) All of these words lay on me like a heavy, weighted blanket. These words are not mine to carry ... not my burden. They're just words. Judgments. Projections. Preaching. My favorite, unsolicited advice. I'm tired.
I've done a pretty good job at getting to the point where I am at right now. I went from having ZERO boundaries to having pretty tight boundaries. Well, I am tightening them up even more and I am doing everything I can to stop feeling bad for creating them in the first place.
I'm done fooling myself. I'm done playing weak. I am done playing the victim. I'm not sure if I allowed this role to occur or if it somehow manifested on its own. This is where I get confused. Because I am NOT weak. I'm not naive. I know who I am. I know what I stand for. I know my strengths. I know my weaknesses. I don't need anyone else to tell me what they are. I usually keep quiet and just let people talk. I take any helpful advice that I find important, but usually, the information is their perception of me and they couldn't be any more wrong.
I have this tendency to go into a project full-force and with that, comes being very open to the public -- which in turn, means being very open to being judged. Then, this is where I tend to pull back because I get overwhelmed easily. And I realized today that this is keeping me from succeeding!!!! I am letting others affect me so much that I am killing my own dreams out of fear. I am not allowing myself the FREEDOM to be me. I'm always going to have judgments, but they aren't mine to keep. I'm still working on how to let go. So there are my lessons: judgement, letting go, freedom to be myself and boundaries throughout all of it -- all tied up in a nice little ball.
With all of this being said, if you are the type to just preach to me about myself, please don't be surprised if I just walk away or cut you off mid sentence. I have just realized that people will continue to treat me in this way if I let them. I want a clear head, with a clear heart. I'm clearing the slate once again and starting over on an all new journey to even tighter boundaries. I feel like I have been through this process so many times, but I know that each phase is just another step to even more growth. I'm calling it CREATING BOUNDARIES 5.0.
If I finally overcome this life lesson, I will have overcome a HUGE part of my healing. This is my work to do. Only I can heal this. I can't blame or point fingers. What I am asking for though, is your understanding while I go through this process and not to get upset with me if I do walk away. It is nothing personal. I'm just trying to clear my head from everyone else's thoughts so that I can get back to my own. I feel like I'm doing dishes and just as I clear the area, more dishes are piled in the sink. And I want a clean sink! Love you all. <3