Search

Spiritual Camoflauge


I am well aware that suppression of self expression is most likely my main tikkune, or soul lesson that I am meant to learn, heal and understand while I am here in this lifetime. My entire life, I have been forced to suppress myself, or people have tried to suppress me in some way. It started off as a young girl, who wasn't allowed to speak her truth at home. How many times I had been right, but I still got in trouble because we weren't allowed to upset a particular family member. You quickly learned to swallow your words, even if it meant hurting yourself in the process. I remember being forced to write apology letters, when I was simply trying to set boundaries for myself at an early age. Looking back, there was no need for me to apologize. In fact, the other family member should have been the one apologizing.

I've been working on healing this original wound now more than ever. Childhood traumas are so hard to overcome. I think being aware of them is the first step. Forgiving is the second. Forgiving was such a burden off of my shoulders. I felt a huge shift when I was able to see that what happened to me was coming from someone who was just as equally hurt and probably also emotionally abused. I see the devastating effects it has left down the entire side of one family line. It wasn't until recently that I even realized that I carried this wound. Up until that point, I could never understand why I always felt this huge hole in my chest and an inexplicable rage that was silently boiling inside of me, which I now know is mostly suppression. If you take the time to truly look, I bet you can find a pattern not only within yourself, but within family members who suffered under the same thumb that ruled. Now I am beginning to see how this original wound has splintered off into tiny pieces, affecting the way I think, the way I react, how I perceive other people, but most importantly, how others perceive me.

Fast forward into middle school and high school and I find even more instances where I was ridiculed for being different. I had my fair share of bullies since 2nd grade and this lasted on and off from the same group of girls throughout high school. Maybe part of me was rebelling. Maybe part of me was looking for attention. I mean, that is what most people typically think: I'm damaged and I am acting out. But ... what if this was the real me? What if I wasn't crying out for help or attention and I was simply just expressing my true self? By early high school, I was a bit more resilient and held my ground. Many times I chat with friends now and they can't believe that this is how I view my high school experience. From the outside looking in, many thought I was part of the popular crowd. Not really. I was always my own person. Sometimes I hung out with some of the popular kids. But a big chunk of them made it pretty well-known that they disliked me and some of them were downright nasty about it.

I realize now that the ripples I caused even back then started because I stood my ground and stayed true to who I was. I did not conform to what they wanted me to be. I broke off from the "it crowd" by 7th grade because I wouldn't act like the popular girls wanted me to act. What I am realizing now is that the same patterns keep repeating into the present day -- that when you hold your ground in remaining true to yourself, those that don't understand you try to silence you even more ... or even worse, try to turn you into the scapegoat for their own discomfort and inability to understand. Thus, here I am, in mid-life, where I still don't fit in and everyone is trying to change me. The more I am pushed, the more I push back. The more I am silenced, the more I speak.

I feel joining the spiritual community was the best thing for me, but it is also a breeding ground for insidious ideologies that are disguised as good advice or "spiritual laws." We have heard time and again how hiding our shadow selves is a huge disservice to self. I won't go into this here because I think we can all FINALLY agree that this is true. We have grown enough to see that facing our shadows is key to our growth. This was not always the case. I spoke out about this ... A LOT. With that, came more judgement for speaking out against the norm. The norm was to be happy 24/7 and to not face those dark parts of one's self. Yet I pushed forward, knowing and feeling in my heart that what I was speaking was the truth. An inner knowing. As you can see, my pattern continues ...

Please know that when I speak about this, I am including both sides of the equation and am not blaming one side over the other. I am pointing out what needs to happen on both sides. What continues to happen among many of us is that we are so quick to point fingers and place blame upon those we do not understand. We assume that everyone needs to be like us and think like us. Those who point out the truths and darkness of what most cannot see are labeled as bad seeds -- or here we go again, those that need help or are seeking attention. What if these people aren't what we have labeled them as? I have seen and heard it all. "She is too attached to her darkness." "He desperately needs healing." "She shouldn't be healing others, she needs healing herself." "He only does this to get attention." "She's really good at getting people riled up." "He needs to stop pointing out what others are doing and concentrate on himself." The list goes on and I see this not just with myself, but many other powerful way showers in our community. (P.S. Is there such a thing as a healer that is so perfect that they have nothing at all to heal?)

But let's look at this. These are true warriors. They are shaking things up ... ON PURPOSE ... knowing that they are going to have to deal with boatloads of cognitive dissonance. They are completing their soul mission by speaking out against the norm. That is what some of them are specifically here to do! Short of promoting Satanic blood rituals or something truly dark, what is it that they are saying that is truly harmful? I implore you to really ask yourself the following questions: