Staying True to Yourself

I feel that we all have an inner child that is screaming to be healed. Many times, the struggles that we face with ourselves today is due to a scar that was left behind from early childhood. That certainly is the case for me. We didn't show emotions in my household. There was rarely ever any crying and if so, it was done in the privacy of your room. You didn't dare speak up about your feelings if they ended up hurting someone else's feelings. There were times when I stuck up for myself and I knew I was right, but I got punished for upsetting my mother. It was the most extreme case of emotional narcissistic living you can imagine.

This behavior tied over into my school life. I was bullied since elementary school. I am not even sure why I was to this day, but I feel like it had a lot to do with the fact that everyone knew I would never stand up for myself. As time went on, it got increasingly worse. I teetered on the line between being with the "in-crowd" and being my own person every day in junior high. Eventually, I had enough of trying to "please" my friends by what I said and did and went my own way. Even back then, I was very independent and did not care to follow the norm or rules of others. Thankfully, I found a whole new group of friends that accepted me for ME and I still talk to them today and am still grateful for their friendship.

As you can imagine, separating myself from the group did not go over well. (Picture "the plastics" from the movie Mean Girls.) What is truly scary is that most of these ladies are now teachers, but I digress. This bullying continued because I never stood up for myself. I always felt like I was an outsider, that something was wrong with me. No matter what I did, I just never fit in. People now are surprised to hear how I perceived my years in school. To many, everything appeared fine. Yet it was far from fine. Even teachers put me into hurtful situations that obviously still have an effect on me.

The point of giving you this background is to show you how many of our current hurts and issues that are holding us back today stem from years ago. If I can bring my light-bult moment to ONE person, then I have succeeded.

Fast forwarding to today, I can see how this plays a part in who I am and how I interact with myself and others on a daily basis. The emotional abuse at home constantly has me questioning my feelings. I don't know what I am allowed to feel and what I am not. The bullying that occured has me so desperately seeking love and affirmation from others. Yet the other part of me seeks to stand my ground and hold true to who I really am -- someone who will never fit to a mold or follow what others tell me to do. It's a conflicting ideology and one that I need to figure out, but being able to SEE it and UNDERSTAND it is allowing me to HEAL it.

There are always going to be people that don't agree with you or how you do things. That is a given. I think, however, if we use our own discernment and make sure that we aren't being blinded by our own opinions and perceptions, that we can remain true to who we are by weighing what we KNOW and how we FEEL. Your FEELINGS are your guidance system. It is your intuition and you soul trying to communicate with you.

It is also important to note that others bring their own belief systems, perceptions and opinions to the table as well. There will always be those people who are telling you that you are mirroring and reflecting and perhaps you are, but know this one thing: SO ARE THEY. It is an never-ending dance that includes all of us. We are all on different paths and for those that are on the same path, we are all in differing locations of the path. AND THAT IS OKAY. Don't beat yourself up for not meeting someone else's standards. Be happy with meeting your own.